Chapter One: What's Love Got to Do With It?

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.

Benjamin Disraeli (December 21)

A Walk on the Wild Side

That astrology book on your nightstand may describe your Cancer sweetheart as a nurturing homebody, but what it won't tell you is how to disentangle one from around your ankles so you can have an occasional evening out with your friends, or warn you that the only sweet-nothings your Pisces boyfriend is whispering are to the hallucinations resulting from his latest foray into the Ozone, or explain why the passionate nature of your headstrong Aries lover is confined to on-demand sex and nightly temper tantrums.

According to the compatibility chart you bought on the Web, your Suns are trined, your Moons are conjunct, and your respective Mars and Venus are so hot together you could set the sheets on fire. So how come the one you love is a rotten bastard who can't keep his fly zipped or a nasty bitch who gets off on putting you down? Because the rotten truth is that in every romantic relationship, the only constant factor is the continual maneuvering to see who stays on top -- in or out of bed.

The word zodiac originates from the Greek Zodiakos, meaning "circle of animals." The Greeks had another word, zoon (zoh-on) that, loosely translated, means "zoo," a perfect description of the celestial soap opera upon which the practice of astrology is based. The real force behind our collective romantic fantasies was a not-so-charming bunch of eternal beings that amused themselves by getting down and dirty up in the celestial firmament. Three thousand years before what's-her-name shot J.R., the heavens were ruled by a cast of characters whose traits of jealousy, deception, sexual license, and revenge made the Ewings look like the Waltons.

Lovers and Other Strangers

Relax and forget soul-mate astrology. Let your own lusty nature out of the closet and use it to win the heart of a wild Fire sign or find the best sin-on-the-side buddy. Learn how to dump a Scorpio, keep a Gemini home, or rid yourself of a clingy Libra. And learn the truth about the hidden motivations that make us want what we can't have and screw up what we do have, chasing all those guilty pleasures.

Each Sun sign has its own chapter and each chapter is divided into the following sections:

• Romancing the Sign Whether female, male, gay, straight, or just confused, natives of each Sun sign have similar traits in their respective approach to love and lust. Water signs try to live on love. Earth signs know how much that costs. Air signs talk during sex. And Fire signs eat their young.

• 'Til Death Do Us Part

• Catching One Tips for winning the heart (and body) of the one you desire.
  
• Surviving One Getting out and getting revenge should your boat capsize in the tunnel of love.
  
• Keeping One If you are determined to make it work, you can find anyone lovable, sexy, and irresistible, no matter what anyone else (including me) says.
  

• Moonlight or Gaslight? The Moon pulls on our inner, or unconscious, desires like she pulls the tides. Feminine and manipulative, she maneuvers behind the scenes, ruling our basic instincts. In Water, she raises emotional blackmail to a fine art. In Earth, she's cold, critical, and perpetually irritated. In Air, she buries her feelings under a filibuster of irrational chatter. In Fire, she's likely to pick up an axe to prove how much she loves you.

• The Moon rules everyone's emotional nature.
  

• Mars Is Afflicted Mars is the mucho-macho warrior-god. Anywhere he appears in a chart he brings his aggressive passion and selfishness. In Water, he either boils or evaporates. In Earth, he's excessively stubborn and pathologically possessive. In Air, he's interested only in heated conversations. In Fire, he doubles the lust factor.

• If you are male, Mars through the signs determines your romantic style, i.e., strutting peacock or sulking hulk.
  
• If female, he reveals whether you're hooked on romance or spouse abuse.
  

• Venus Is a Nympho Sorry all you Valentine's Day fanatics, but your heroine is the slut of the zodiac. Venus spent her days kissing her mirror and her nights bed hopping around the Universe. In Water, she ups the self-delusion ante. In Earth, she lives to amass possessions, including you. In Air, she loves the sound of her own voice. In Fire, she expands her love of self -- if that's possible.

• If you are male, Venus reveals what you desire in a lover, i.e., sensual and mysterious or Mistress/Master of the Whip.
  
• If female, it's how you come across to your lovers -- saintly or slutty.
  

• Fatal Attractions A Sun-sign personal ad compatibility guide for the twisted.

• Scoring

• Best Bets -- Hot and good, in and out of bed.
  
• Just Good Friends -- Takes work, but could be very sweet.
  
• Please Shoot Yourself Now -- Definitely difficult.
  
• The Dark Horse -- Worth investigating.
  

• A list of famous and infamous lovers Written in the stars is no guarantee of happily ever after.

Copyright © 2004 by Hazel Dixon-Cooper