Chapter 10

Your Personal Slow Sex Practice

Slow sex is a journey in which each and every day counts. It’s a slow journey that can extend over many years and into old age. That is how it is turning out for me, and I can definitely say that I did not plan for it to be this way. Very gradually one thing led to another through curiosity and practice. Practice itself will herald change and transformation. Not just thinking about it.

Below you will find the components of the slow sex practice defined as well as my suggestions for how to get started on your own exploration in order to create your own practice. At any time the guidelines below can be changed and you can improvise. The vital thing is to take it slow and to avoid having great expectations. Expectation makes us consider what is not happening and stands in our way of perceiving what actually is.

What kind of practice is slow sex? Slow sex can best be described as a sustainable practice in which awareness is brought into the body--and into the genitals. We discover how to just be present in sex instead of actively doing in sex. When we make love with sensitivity and slowness, sex transforms itself into a meditation.

The word meditation implies full experience of the present moment. Any meditation needs to be given time and space and practice in order for the practitioner to feel the benefits, though you are quite likely to feel some pleasing results, even the first time you try it. Slow sex makes it possible for the penis and vagina to develop their own language, to exchange energy according to their dynamic and receptive qualities. It’s a practice that takes time to master, like any other sustainable practice. But practice makes perfect.

Special Technique vs. Shift in Consciousness

Slowing down in sex is based on a shift in consciousness, where the emphasis is on how you do something, not on what you do. To become slow in sex requires a mental reorientation, a new way of looking at it in which you drop the preconceived ideas and expectations that you have about sex. Slow sex is not a technique in that it is not something that you must do, but rather something you become.

Aliveness, Vitality, and Sexual Arousal

Slow sex is a style of sex that does not require sexual arousal. It can be arousing at times, no doubt about it, but it does not depend on becoming aroused or excited at the outset. Instead, it requires aliveness, vitality, and presence. Naturally there will be moments when things will get a bit hotter, but the level of arousal (eros) is basically monitored and kept cool. At other times, of course, we may get caught up in the excitement and take ourselves to the peak climax, but these happenings are all part of the experimentation. The significant thing is to do whatever you do with awareness. Nothing is wrong with orgasm as such; it’s just the habit of running toward it, and the tension that we build up to achieve it, that is being challenged through awareness and slowness.

The great thing about slow sex is that does not take much energy; you can do it when you are not feeling fresh. It is more a question of whether you can hold the awareness or not.

How to Set Up the Slow Sex Practice

The best way to move toward a successful slow sex practice is to set aside specific times to make love, and to make love as often as is conceivably possible. Consciously create the space needed for this by putting sex high on the list of things to do, just as we prioritize our other activities. It is suggested that you make a date, an appointment, to make love. Write down SS alongside the agreed time in your weekly agenda. Make the appropriate arrangements for your children and switch off your telephones so that you can be left in tranquility and peace.

Giving yourselves an open space naturally leads to a deeper level of relaxation, awareness, and sensitivity. We are more available; sex is not happening by accident or by habit, but as a conscious choice and decision. Putting intention behind the meeting naturally elevates the experience. It’s perhaps going to feel awkward or clinical at first when you start meeting each other in this somewhat organized way, but any initial shyness or insecurity is quite natural and will soon pass. In making a date for sex we create the opportunity to explore who we really are.

Sustaining the Sexual Encounter

Your sexual connection will be sustained by staying alert, aware, and curious. Use any and all of the metabolic enhancers--such as awareness, rhythm, relaxation, staying present--to keep the sexual encounter’s intensity alive. I have always called these enhancers the Love Keys, which include breath, soft eye contact, holding the attention in the body, scanning the body, and relaxing, all the things that allow you to become present in your body and present to the situation.

While slow sex is especially fitting for people who are in long-term committed relationships with a stable partner who can be available to make love over an extended period of time, I believe that human beings are designed by nature to be slow. So in reality, slow sex is for one and all. It is available to anyone who is willing to explore taking sex more slowly. Any person who slows down, is likely to feel the heightened qualities that slowness brings into the exchange.